I believe the DOJ looked into the matter of alleged criminal activity within the Armstrong camp with good intentions but an industrious agent either by luck or resourceful detective work uncovered the shocking truth that Lance Armstrong is really the militant leader of a race of Alien Space Lizards bent on seizing what is left of Earth's resources. Some have speculated that Lance has used his vast fortunes to buy his way out of trouble. I know every man has his price but the DOJ? I suspect some kind of Jedi mind trick by these sinister interlopers caused the "These aren't the droids we're looking for" DOJ response.
Why would the King of the Space Lizards masquerade around Earth as a professional bike racer? I've not completely figured that out but perhaps the Space Lizards are captivated by the act of riding a bike just as dogs turn themselves inside out chasing the wheels of a passing cyclist. It's the Space Lizard's one weakness; They just can't help themselves. Furthermore I wouldn't be surprised if the entire pro peloton are actually the Space Lizard High Command. What better means to reconnoiter and plan their attack than to pedal around the world's countries on the best carbon fiber race bikes Earth has to offer. All the while displaying feats of superhuman cycling ability.
To draw attention away from the Armstrong affair the Alien Space Lizard aka: Alberto Contador is now conveniently embroiled in his own doping scandal having his Tour De France wins stripped.
This horrifying scenario is not something I've just made up for attention. I first learned of the Space Lizards from the blog BikesnobNYC whose author has slowly been leaking information about a strange lizard race not of our world. Although in this picture he paints them as benign anthropologists studying the ancient remnants of mankind on a future Earth devoid of its human inhabitants I detect a sinister undercurrent. Recently he mentions Space Lizard ray guns in a post. Indeed not the tool one finds in a typical anthropological tool box.
I've come to the conclusion that BikesnobNYC is probably one of the Space Lizard doppelgangers himself. No mere mortal mind is capable of generating such profound material day after day. As to his purpose I'm not quite sure. Possibly he is a Space Lizard propagandist whose mission is to slowly condition us humans to the idea of our impending doom. The BikesnobNYC blog is surly is the work of some highly developed quasi-reptilian alien intelligence. This theory also explains Bikesnob's obvious silence on the issue of LA. They are more than just buddies they are scaly brothers in arms.
By coming forward with this information I realize I am opening myself up to potential and swift retribution. Cut down by the sizzling beam of a Space Lizard ray gun is not my idea of a good day. For these reasons I am posting this missive under conditions of anonymity.
Whatever the case I'll be wearing my helmet mirror at all times from this moment forward.